( before you all hate me for this I just want to say it was @slytheroutofmybed who put me in an angsty mood, okay ? )

“Please try to focus more ! The Patronus Charm is one of those you will very probably be tested on for your N.E.W.T.s !” shouted Mrs. Han, the tall woman who taught Defense Against The Dark Arts in Hogwarts.

All the students groaned. It was the third lesson they spent desperately trying to produce something else than blue-ish sparkles, and yet no one in the group of seventh-years had managed it. Their frustration was more than obvious, and a few of them seemed like they had already given up.

The Marauders and Lily were seated in the back on the room, Sirius pouting while waving his wand.

“But when will Peter, James and I be allowed to perform the spell ? We already know how to do it !”

Remus rolled his eyes and explained : “Whenever it won’t be fishy. McGonagall probably guessed you are Animagi already, and we don’t want anyone else to. We don’t want you in Azkaban Sirius.”

Sirius pouted again, but nodded. Then his eyes lightened as if he just had an idea, and he grinned. “I’m disappointed Moony. Will you kiss me better ?”

Remus sighed like this was a suffering ask, and then leaned on to peck his lover’s lips. James pretended to throw up behind his desk, and Lily hit him on the arm, before to stand up and clap her hands :

“Well this is very cute but Remus and I actually have some work to do.”

Remus groaned but got back on his feets. They pointed their wands in front of them, and tried to think of a happy memory. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breathe.

He was in the forest, his three friends in their animagus form running with him. The black dog was playfully chasing him, before the wolf jumped on him and they both rolled on the ground. When they got up, the wolf felt the deer running in front of him and the rat jumping on his foot. He started to run to…

“Remus, man, I think you got something !”

He opened his eyes and saw a grey light shape forming around his wand. It wasn’t a full Patronus, but it was close. Without paying attention to what others were saying around him, he closed his eyes again and focused.

He was holding Sirius against him. James and Peter were still in their animagus forms. He couldn’t believe they had done this for him. He felt tears on his cheeks, and he tried to pull out of Sirius’s hug to avoid wetting his clothes, but his friend was holding him too hard. He felt his hand in his hair and…

A large blue figure emerged from his wand and started to run around the classroom. All the students dropped their wands and watched it in awe. Lily stared at him with her mouth wide open. James screamed something that sounded like congratulations. Peter laughed and hugged him from behind, before Sirius pushed him away and took his place with possessiveness. Remus laughed out loud and grinned to his boyfriend.

And then the Patronus he casted ran back to them, and Remus’s smile dropped.

You could now clearly see what it was. The professor nodded in approval and scribbled something on her parchment that must have been Remus’s grade.

Sirius bursted out in laughter. “Well Moony i guess the serie of coincidences will never end !”

James ruffled his friend’s hair and whispered “Werewolf McWerewolf strikes again I see.”

Peter was about to add another joke, but froze when he saw Remus’s face.

“Remus ? Moony are you okay ?”

Suddenly all the Marauders and Lily stopped to laugh. Remus was breathing heavily and staring at the ground, tears forming in his eyes. His hands were shaking.

Sirius got a bit closer and reached for his right hand. Remus grabbed it and pressed it hard. The black haired boy told the teacher they needed to get out, and he dragged him out of the room without waiting for his professor’s answer. They walked for a couple of minutes before they were in the park and Remus sat on the ground and took his face in his hands. Sirius heard quiet sobs, and put his arm around his Moony’s shoulder.

“I’m just so tired of it, Pads.” Remus said without looking at him. “So tired of going through it every month. And how it haunts me even when the full moon is away.”

He paused for a second and said “Your Patronus is supposed to reflect your personality, who you are. You are a dog because you are loyal and cheery most of the time. Prongs is a stag because Merlin he can’t stop bragging. And Peter is a rat because he is quiet but smart. And I’m a wolf because, well, I am a wolf.”

Sirius shook his head and pull his boyfriend into a hug. “No, Remmy, that’s not true. Your Patronus is a wolf because you are a fighter. Because you always remain strong. Because…”

But before he could continue Remus interrupted him : “Merlin, Pads, can’t you see ? I’m not ! I’m neither strong nor brave nor beautiful nor anything you always call me !”

He stood up abruptly, but Sirius stood up too and grabbed his arms : “Of course you are ! For the last time Moony you are more than your condition !”

“Really ?” Remus shouted. “Because everything and everyone else tells me otherwise !”

“Fuck everything and everyone else !” Sirius yelled. “Can’t you just think for yourself and see that you aren’t just that ?”

Remus seemed to cool off a bit before he said calmly : “Listen Sirius it’s great if you have this mental image of me being a fighter, or beautiful, or whatever, but you must just accept that I am not !”

He looked mad and about to burst into tears. Sirius didn’t know what to do. He should be used to Remus crisis of self-hatred, but he always found himself helpless, unable to make him see how ridiculous he was.

Remus sighed and added : “I don’t want to have this conversation right now.” He began to walk away but Sirius catched his hand again.

“Please, Remus, please… Just let me try to explain to you… I know you’re hurting right now but just listen…”

But Remus pulled his hand away and shook his head.

“Sirius, I appreciate you trying, I really do, but I can’t do it right now. I need to be alone.”

And without a word of goodbye, he turned away and walked to the castle. Sirius just stood motionless, his heart aching in his chest. There was nothing he could do to help his Moony, and that was what hurt the most.