Raw

( i’m not going to lie : this is just a self insert to cope with my feelings right now. but it works,so i couldnt care less about how good or bad it is. anyway, enjoy a trip in my own head)

tw : depression, implied thoughts of self harm, implied panic attack

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Remus didn’t know what to do. He didn’t understand what was going on. It had been 2 hours since the unfortunate accident, and yet his emotions couldn’t settle down. He couldn’t even see if he was numb or if a thousand of feelings were coming all over him. Yet he didn’t really seem to register anything : he was just sitting here, still trying to read his book.

Suddenly, he heard a click in the door and he saw Sirius. Usually, when he was having a hard time with his depression, he would stay where he was, waiting for his boyfriend to notice something was unusual. Yet, today, something came over him, and he was suddenly standing up, his voice slightly broken.

“The pictures we had of our Hogwarts years, I took them in the kitchen to look at them and then I started cooking, and I casted a diffindo to cut some onions but I was unfocused and tired and I don’t know what happened, but the spell reached the pictures instead and now they are in pieces.” Surprisingly, his explanation was much clearer than the wild whirlwind of emotions or not-emotions in his mind.

Sirius seemed shocked by his boyfriend’s unusual behaviour. “What, so they’ve been cut through? That’s okay, I’m sure it’s fixable, we can…”

But Remus interrupted his reassuring, logical train of thoughts. He couldn’t control what he was saying; he wasn’t sure where it all came from but suddenly something snapped and he was rambling, his speech still strangely clear. “I know it sounds stupid, but they’re incredibly important to me. These years in Hogwarts were the best of my life and these pictures were a sign that it was real, and that you guys were here for me. And if they’re ruined it means that…”

Suddenly, everything broke inside of him and he was sobbing. Sirius immediately ran to his side and took him in his arms. One thing was for sure : he wasn’t numb anymore, his emotions felt so raw and powerful that he felt like they were tearing him apart and he needed to get them out, out, out…

He knew of one way to get the feelings out and to go back to being comfortingly numb, but he couldn’t. He knew it would be a mistake. But now that the thought was in his mind, he couldn’t help but feel it swirling everywhere in him, craving to be released.

As if feeling what was going on in his boyfriend’s mind, Sirius hugged him even tighter, pressing him against him as if he wanted them to fuse. The contact hurt a little, and Remus clinged to this one, tangible sensation to try and distract him from the terrifying storm that was about to swallow him whole.

“It’s okay,” Sirius whispered, “I think a simple spell can salvage them. And if not, we will go to Hogwarts and retake every single one of them, so you can still look at them as much as you want.”

Remus nodded, but the words were empty to him. It meant nothing, nothing, as everything was storming and begging for release.

Sirius pulled Remus away from him. Remus blinked in surprise. This, also, was unusual.

“Remus,” Sirius suggested slowly, “I think you should paint for a bit.”

Remus nodded slowly. Yes, that could work, that could help to pour everything out of him. He went to sit on the couch, still in a daze, as Sirius placed his notebook and pencils in front of him. He reached absent-mindedly to his black pen, and started drawing.

It didn’t make a lot of sense, but it didn’t need to. As he started drawing, he felt everything slowing inside him. The storm turned into a light wind, still complex and terrifying, but less powerful. He started to think a bit more clearly. After a while, he put the pen away and looked at his drawing. It looked like a black hole : just dark strikes and marks swirling toward the center of the page. It didn’t make sense to anyone but him, and even him could only understand it subconsciously.

When it seemed obvious that Remus was completely done, Sirius sat down next to Remus and took him in his arms again.

“I know the pictures comfort you, but they aren’t everything you have. There aren’t some magical prosthesis that keep you from collapsing; they are only a little help. You have thousand of other way to feel happy, or comforted. If you lost them – and I’m saying “if”, because this is fixable, Remus – it wouldn’t be the end. You would carry on, still as brave as always. You can survive, Moony.“

Remus nodded again, very slowly. The words could not magically fix everything, but they helped. And then, his emotional turmoil changed. Suddenly, every single emotion was understood, named, even though it wasn’t completely specific : sadness, regret, distress, nostalgia, fear… And now that everything was understood, it could escape : and Remus was sobbing again, but this time every single tear was a bit less painful, and he could breathe again.

Sirius slowly kissed the top of his head, and whispered: “It will pass, Moony, everything will pass…”