and their relationship isn’t perfect.

wolfstsr:

it isn’t at all.

because the two boys grew up being disgusted with themselves, and who they are, and who their family is, and who they love, and like, and hate, and that kind of repulsion doesn’t just go away. it doesn’t.

because when sirius finds out that regulus died (he found out through the prophet, like he was a common onlooker and not the boy who would lay down his life for his brother), and he blames himself for it and for letting his baby brother get that awful mark on his wrist and for letting him give into his parents and for letting him become an enemy, and he goes into his room and shuts the door and locks it with powerful anger-filled magic and he doesn’t eat or sleep for two days, and he can’t even look at the boy he loves or james or peter because the marauders always made him forget, and regulus didn’t deserve to be forgot, and so sirius put himself through the worst pain he could.

(it took days for him to be able to eat, weeks for him to stop crying, months for him to have a fit-less sleep, and he never, ever forgot the slightly smaller, younger boy with the same, but softer, gray eyes and the same, but shorter and tamer, black hair and the same, but less defiant smile. his brother.)

because when remus begins receiving encrypted messages from voldemort himself offering a freedom and a cure to lycanthropy if he, remus, joined voldemort’s ranks, he refuses to tell the boy he loves because sirius would hate him for even considering it, for thinking blissfully of scars finally allowed to fade and of life free from the werewolf anger boiling inside of him (and of the fear badly hidden by sirius when he sees the fire behind remus’ eyes). instead, he lies awake at nights with the letters burning a hole through his mattress and threatening to swallow him whole.

(when sirius does find out, he is angry, he shakes remus and yells till he’s hoarse until he breaks down crying and whispers, “i know you want it so bad, remus. i want it too. but, oh my god, if he took you i couldn’t live without you and i couldn’t be alone. he took my brother and he can’t take you. i know you want it, remus” and they cry together.

because two troubled boys who love each other are still troubled. because they take on each other’s burdens until it’s too much for the both of them. because it’s so hard to be in love during a war.

but they’re in love anyway. through death and tears and blood, they stand united in defiance and love because no way in hell is anyone taking what they have. because sirius and remus are not they sort of people who give up and give in.